Another project finished is just another opprotunity to be disappointed in myself. And that is the worst feeling I feel to feel to feel.
It fucking sucks that I feel like I’m unable to finish anything without feeling horrible right after.
I’m gonna sit here and take a look at the project I just finished Isaiah Silva is A Dick.
This project started, really, as a short story about boxing. I’ve always loved boxing stories, I think that there is something so unique in them tht they follow the same pattern almost everytime, but personally I never find them stale. The underdog protagonist works their way to go and fight the champion and whether they win or lose we all feel better at the end of the day, we all feel like we grew with our hero. The only movie that really truly goes against this grain is Warrior having both of the fighters being our hero. Rocky and Creed are also both dope for straying slightly while still following the blueprint. Because of this, anyway, I always wanted to make something about boxing. I was in the middle of making my film Reassessment (that still isn’t finished, fuck me) when I started writing this short story. Real quick though, it evolved into a script.
I started making The Life and Death of Sarah Myers and as that came to a close (becoming a much larger project then I had initially intended) I started to write a script called Technical Decision. Real quick before I finished Sarah Myers I had completed the first draft of Technical Decision. I was excited about it and ready to immediately start figuring it out.
But then, of course, I got sidetracked by bullshit.
I wanted to make one last album and then give up on making music entirely….Okay, like not entirely. I still want to make the music for my films, but I don’t want to dedicate a huge amount of time to making like coherent albums, that’s not what I do anymore. So I took a week and made I’m Gonna Fucking Slit My Wrists in The Chocolate Factory. And it was like alright, it wasn’t great but it was a good final send-off for myself musically. After that I was able to throw myself back into my filmmaking. But unfortunately by now, I had begun to doubt the Technical Decisions project. I had a long talk with a good friend about it all and then I had a new idea.
I wanted to make a film based on a story from my life that I have been wanting to tell for awhile. This was going to be called Teenagers Have Stupid Brains and Bad Priorities. And honestly, that may happen still, I’m not sure. I wrote the first draft, LOVED IT, fixed all the problems and now I have the second draft. And I’m not sure what’s going to happen now with that and let me talk about why.
I wanted to do a whole animated feature length film, which funny enough I think is always the beginning of my downfall. I start out with an idea and start going fully in to make something feature length. And then at different points in the process I see where it makes sense to cut shit out. Slowly though, with each project, I get better and am able to make a coherently longer product. After my ‘reset’ (talk about later haha) in 2019, I started with making something 1 minute long and my last film project was 20 minutes. We’re getting better and longer now. So when I set out to make a feautre length animated film, as I was writing the first draft of Teenagers I realized it could work much better at about 40-50 minutes. Technically feature length, but really not really.
And when making something so long, with new styles and techniques I think it’s a good idea to do some mock-up footage to make sure it’s feasible visually, time wise and everything.
And a lot of time the mock up phase is my downfall for like one specific reason.
I end up getting too inspired by the mock-ups and turn it into something completely different. For example, Isaiah Silva is A Dick. It started out as a lighting test for the environment for Teenagers and then somewhere along the line I got inspired to try to make better water. And then I kept going on that further and further. I found a notebook with a little monologue I had written for something else and based off a news story I saw that morning I started to make something completely different.
And sometimes this process really works. This is how Sarah Myers was made and I truly think that that is my most accomplished work yet and inspired me to keep pushing forward in general. Other times like in the case of Isaiah Silva it does not work out at all.
I think that I was just too unfocused, I had an idea and just kept changing it, while I was animating it and I was gathering audio that I then would throw out and I’d be scribbling ideas to put in later that I would then forget. Overall, it was a messy, weirdly stressful productio. I kept putting this pressure on myself to make something good forgetting that this wasn’t even my main thing going on. And it’s important to put all the energy I have into each project because I can’t love any of my kids more then the other.
And then while I was making it, I had a truly fantastic idea. Inspired by much of the world and things I’ve been reading into, I think I’m gonna make my most pissed off project yet and that’s exciting.
Now to take it full circle, is the whole cycle of making a project. I almost always start the work while working on something else, I don’t like having nothing to work on. And then the beginning of the new project is so exciting, as all the ideas are coming and there’s a huge drive to keep fucking shit up. And then I start to have to do the really hard work and I do find that fun that sort of beginning busy work where everything is fresh just go go go. And then you have to start cutting ideas out because they’re too difficult, expensive or just straight up bad. Then blah blah blah, everything keeps happening and as it gets to the near end phase is when things get sad. I start to think that man, this is shit, there’s nothing good about this, I don’t even know what this is. And I want to give up which is where I’ll like take a step back and put my focus into some new ideas for a bit before I come back. Then I’ll finish what I’m making and for a brief moment, I’m happy. The relief of finally putting it out there, just to be done, feels so nice. Almost immediately, this is followed by a sadness, especially if I don’t have naything concrete to work on. Its an empty block feeling and it sucks so bad. And I feel like that whether I consider what I made goof or bad.
So Isaiah Silva is A Dick was a complete failure, I really think it was. Unfocused, boring, pointless, and in a way unfinished. Because I know what I cut out for one reason or another.
But it’s okay, because I have such a clear plan for what I’m doing next. I’m writing it now but I have all sorts of sketches qand designs ready that when it comes time to film, it’ll be easy (ish). There won’t be any sort of things that I’m planning along the way or changing last minute.
I’m gonna be confident in this one.
I know it.